Why Do We Keep Fighting? Understanding the Vulnerability Cycle in Relationships
Do you ever feel like you and your partner have the same argument over and over and over and over? It might start with something small – chores, money, a text message – but it always ends in the same frustration and hurt feelings. You’re left wondering, “Why do we keep fighting about the same things?” If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Repeated conflicts with a loved one can be demoralizing and exhausting. In fact, research by Drs Julie and John Gottman found that roughly 69% of relationship conflicts are about recurring issues that couples don’t fully solve [1]. If it feels like you’re stuck in a loop of the same fight, it’s not because you’re failing – it may be because you and your partner have fallen into what therapists call a vulnerability cycle [2]
In this article, we’ll outline what the vulnerability cycle is and why couples might get stuck in it. We’ll look at an example of how it plays out in a relationship, talk about how past wounds can make current relationship conflicts more intense, and suggest some ways to start breaking out of the cycle. The goal is to help you gain perspective about what might be going on in that repeating pattern and provide some strategies for navigating those. Change is possible – whether through some self-reflection or with the support of couples therapy – so that you can move from constant fighting toward better communication and connection.
What Is the Vulnerability Cycle?
The vulnerability cycle can be defined as a negative pattern or “dance” that couples can get caught in when conflicts arise [3]. Michele Scheinkman and Mona Fishbane, two couples therapists, developed this concept to explain how each partner’s deeper emotional fears (vulnerabilities) can trigger protective reactions (survival strategies) that end up triggering the other person in return.
In daily life, it works like this: when you feel attacked or hurt, you protect yourself – but your way of protecting yourself might hurt or scare your partner, who then reacts to protect themselves, which winds up hurting or scaring you again. Both people are actually feeling vulnerable, but it comes out as anger, defensiveness, withdrawal, or other reactions that fuel a loop. Before you know it, you’re in a familiar, painful cycle that’s hard to break.
The vulnerability cycle is formed and perpetuated by several components, including our core beliefs and values, vulnerability themes (e.g. fear of abandonment, betrayal, inadequacy, intimacy), survival strategies (e.g. fight, flight, freeze, fawn), family of origin experiences (e.g. family history of trauma, addictions, immigration), and social/contextual factors (e.g. gender roles, power dynamics). What often seems like a trivial argument, such as “I am sick and tired of you leaving your socks in the living room before going to bed,” is actually rarely just about socks. Here is an exemplary vulnerability cycle diagram from the article of Sheinkman & Fishbane (2004):
Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
An Example of the Cycle in Action
Imagine a couple, Mark and Sara. Mark often struggles with deep-seated fears of abandonment—he worries that if he doesn’t speak up forcefully, the people he loves (including romantic partners) will leave him. Meanwhile, Sara silently grapples with loneliness and feels overwhelmed—she’s afraid that if she shares her needs too directly, she’ll be judged or pushed away.
One Friday night, Mark, seeking reassurance that Sara is truly there for him, insists they sit down and resolve some issues right away. Sara, who’s already stressed and used to handling her emotions on her own, gently suggests postponing the talk until the next day so she can decompress. Mark, interpreting her response as “I’m not a priority,” feels hurt and betrayed—his alarm bells of abandonment ring louder, and he snaps at her for “not caring.” In turn, Sara now feels attacked; Mark’s urgent tone confirms her fear that opening up might not be safe. She shuts down and avoids further discussion.
Seeing Sara retreat only heightens Mark’s fear of being left behind—he accuses her of pulling away or hiding something, which pushes Sara to withdraw even more. By the end of the evening, Mark feels alone and betrayed, and Sara feels helpless and emotionally drained. Both are hurting deeply. Both seem stoic to each other..
In this painful moment, neither Mark nor Sara intentionally sets out to hurt the other. Each is simply trying to shield themselves from pain:
Mark’s confrontational stance is a desperate plea of “please don’t leave me.”
Sara’s withdrawal is her way of saying “please don’t overwhelm or judge me.”
Yet the impact is exactly the opposite of what they need. Mark’s anger adds to Sara’s sense of helplessness, and Sara’s silence fuels Mark’s fear of abandonment. This is the vulnerability cycle in action: each partner’s worst fears—“I’m not safe,” “I’m not loved,” “I’ll be left”—grow louder, and their coping strategies (pursuing with anger vs. withdrawing in silence) tragically reinforce the other’s distress. It’s a familiar and painful dance often seen in couples therapy and relationship conflict work.
Why Couples Get Stuck
Why is it so hard to break out of this pattern? Two big reasons are usually at play. First, past wounds amplify present emotions. The raw feelings in a vulnerability cycle often come from earlier experiences – family upbringing, past relationships, old traumas. That’s why a small disagreement can suddenly blow up into a much bigger deal: it’s tapping into a deeper well of pain from the past. In our example, Mark’s reaction makes more sense if you know he felt abandoned before, and Sara’s sensitivity makes more sense if she grew up never feeling “good enough.” Past hurt acts like fuel on the fire of a current conflict.
Second, couples in the cycle often misunderstand each other’s intentions. When you’re hurt and angry, it’s easy to see your partner as the villain and forget that they’re hurting too. Each person is focused on their own pain and defense. One might think “She’s just nagging and trying to control me,” or “He just doesn’t care.” In reality, both partners are feeling threatened and are in self-protection mode. But this mutual misunderstanding – seeing each other as the enemy – leads to blame, defensiveness, and more disconnection. Instead of fighting the problem, it feels like you’re fighting each other, and that keeps the negative loop going.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Improve Communication
The good news is that couples can break out of a vulnerability cycle. While it takes awareness, practice, and often guidance from a therapist, lasting change is possible. The key is to shift from reactive, defensive patterns to co-regulation—a process where partners learn to calm and support each other rather than escalate distress. Below are practical steps to improve communication in relationships and move toward healthier interactions.
1- Recognize the Cycle and Name It
The first step to breaking the cycle is awareness. Begin by noticing when you're slipping into familiar arguments. Instead of blaming your partner (or yourself), label what’s happening: “I think we’re getting stuck in our usual pattern.” This simple shift in perspective turns the conflict into a shared challenge rather than a fight between two opponents. Naming the cycle out loud helps partners see that the real issue is the dynamic itself, not just one person’s actions. By externalizing the problem, you and your partner can team up against the cycle rather than against each other.
2- Use a Time-Out to Prevent Escalation
When emotions run high, taking a structured time-out can prevent conflicts from spiraling out of control. A brief cooling-off period—stepping into another room, taking a short walk, or simply pausing for five to ten minutes—allows both partners to regain emotional balance before re-engaging. However, not all time-outs are created equal. The key to making them effective rather than avoidant is setting clear agreements beforehand:
✔ Specify a return time: Instead of a vague break, set a concrete time to check back in. Try something like, “Let’s take 15 minutes to calm down and revisit this.” This helps prevent avoidance.
✔ Engage in self-regulation, not suppression: A time-out isn’t about bottling things up or pretending nothing happened. Use the pause to practice deep breathing, stretching, journaling, or other techniques that actually help process emotions rather than ruminate on them.
✔ Recommit to the conversation: After the break, return with a calmer, problem-solving mindset rather than just resuming where you left off. A time-out works only if both partners genuinely intend to address the issue.
Note: While time-outs can be incredibly helpful, there’s a caveat: If one or both partners have a withdrawal-based survival stance, a simple “let’s take 15 minutes” can easily morph into “let’s never talk about this again.” This is especially common in avoidant couples, where conflicts get swept under the rug—out of sight, out of mind. The problem, of course, doesn’t actually disappear; instead, resentments quietly pile up until they explode. We’ve all seen the couple who has been "happily together" for years, only to have a shockingly bitter, explosive breakup because too many unresolved issues had been buried.
On the other end of the spectrum, couples who are highly expressive and emotionally intense (where fights escalate quickly, but reconciliations are just as passionate as the fights) may struggle with time-outs for the opposite reason. For them, stepping away might feel like abandonment rather than emotional regulation. When emotions run hot, pausing can be interpreted as rejection or punishment, leading to even more intense outbursts when the time-out ends.
How to Keep Time-Outs Productive
To avoid both of these extremes, accountability is key. A time-out isn’t an excuse to escape conflict indefinitely, nor should it feel like a form of emotional exile. The best way to ensure follow-through is to set a realistic time frame for revisiting the issue. If 15 minutes isn’t enough, acknowledge that and schedule a time that makes sense:
🗣️ “I know this is important, and I want to talk about it. But I need some time to process. I have a big meeting tomorrow, so can we check in on Friday instead? Maybe over dinner at our favorite restaurant?”
This approach does two things: it reassures your partner that the issue will be addressed, and it helps create a less emotionally charged setting to have the conversation in a more constructive way.
In short, time-outs should be structured, intentional, and followed through with honesty and care. When used correctly, they create space for co-regulation rather than avoidance or abandonment, making difficult conversations easier to navigate—and ultimately, strengthening the relationship.
3- Share Your Feelings, Not Just Your Frustrations
Once you’ve both cooled down, come back to the conversation with a focus on emotions, not accusations. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” try, “I feel unheard when I talk about my day, and that makes me sad.” This approach, known as soft start-up communication [1], reduces defensiveness and makes it easier for your partner to hear you without feeling attacked.
Use “I” statements to express emotions without assigning blame:
💬 “I felt hurt when you didn’t respond to my message.”
💬 “I got anxious when you walked away during our conversation.”
💬 “I need some reassurance that we’re okay.”
Vulnerability fosters connection. When one partner lowers their defenses, it often invites the other to do the same.
Healthier Communication Shifts: Examples
To make this shift practical, here are a few examples of turning a frustration-fueled statement into a feelings-focused one. These illustrate how you can rephrase a gripe into an invitation for understanding:
Instead of: “You never have time for us anymore. You’re too self-absorbed.”
Try: “I feel lonely when we don’t spend any time together.” – This way your partner hears your longing to connect, not an attack on their character.Instead of: “You’re so messy – I can’t stand that you leave the kitchen a wreck!”
Try: “I feel stressed when the kitchen is messy because I need some order to relax.” – Now you’re sharing your stress, which invites your partner to help, rather than shaming their habits.Instead of: “You don’t care about what I have to say.”
Try: “I feel hurt and overlooked when I’m not heard in our conversations.” – This focuses on your emotional experience, opening the door for your partner to respond with care rather than defensiveness.
4- Co-Regulate Rather Than Escalate
One of the biggest shifts in breaking the vulnerability cycle is moving from self-protection to co-regulation [4]. Instead of letting one person’s distress trigger the other’s defenses, practice calming each other. This can look like:
✔️ Using soothing touch (holding hands, a reassuring hug) if both partners are open to it.
✔️ Softening your voice instead of raising it.
✔️ Checking in emotionally (“I see that you’re upset—do you want to talk, or do you need space?”).
Co-regulation builds emotional safety. The more couples practice soothing rather than escalating, the easier it becomes to stay connected, even during disagreements.
5- Empathy: The Most Powerful Reset Button
Try to step into your partner’s emotional world. What looks like anger may actually be fear; what seems like avoidance might be overwhelm. The more you can recognize the underlying vulnerability beneath your partner’s reaction, the more compassion you can bring to the moment.
For example:
👉 Instead of thinking, “They’re overreacting,” reframe it as, “They must be feeling really unheard right now.”
👉 Instead of assuming, “They just want to argue,” consider, “Maybe they’re scared of being ignored.”
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) emphasizes this perspective shift as key to transforming conflict into deeper connection (Johnson, 2004). When partners feel understood, they become less reactive and more open to repair.
Turn Conflict Into a Growth Opportunity
Disagreements don’t have to be destructive. With intentional communication, time-outs, co-regulation, and empathy, conflict can become a chance to understand each other better. The next time an argument starts, pause and ask: “Are we in our cycle right now?” If the answer is yes, step back, regulate, and re-engage with warmth.
Breaking the vulnerability cycle takes time, but with practice, it becomes easier to replace old reactive habits with conscious, connective ones. Over time, these small shifts lead to big transformations in how couples relate, resolve, and reconnect.
Moving Forward Together
It’s important to remember that you and your partner are ultimately on the same side. The real enemy is not each other – it’s that destructive cycle that makes you both feel alone. Many couples have successfully broken out of these patterns with time and effort. Every little change – a pause, an honest “I feel” statement, a moment of empathy – is progress toward a better dynamic.
If you find that you keep getting stuck, reaching out for professional help can make a big difference. Couples therapy (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy [3] or other approaches) is specifically designed to help partners interrupt these cycles and find safer ways to connect. A therapist can guide you to slow down, really hear each other, and heal some of those deeper wounds that feed the cycle. There’s no shame in seeking help; it can be the best thing you do for your relationship.
Above all, have hope. Getting out of a long-standing conflict pattern isn’t easy, but it is possible. With patience and compassion (for your partner and yourself), you can start to change the dance. With time, that cycle will loosen its grip, and conflicts will become chances to grow closer rather than tear you apart.
Key Takeaways
Identify the Pattern: Recognizing the vulnerability cycle is the first step toward transforming it.
Shift to Curiosity: Meet conflict with understanding and empathy rather than blame.
Embrace Support: Therapy offers a safe space to learn new communication and coping skills.
Breaking out of the vulnerability cycle isn’t just about stopping negative patterns; it’s about cultivating the emotional safety and trust that allow for genuine connection and growth. Take the first step by reaching out for professional support or by practicing open, empathetic communication at home. You deserve relationships that nourish rather than drain you.
References
[1] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
[2] Scheinkman, M., & Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
[3] Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Routledge.
[4] Moreno, J., Sanabria, L., & López, O. (2016). Theoretical and conceptual approaches to co-regulation: A theoretical review. Psychology, 7(13), 1587.
Tags:
#CouplesTherapy #MarriageCounseling #RelationshipConflicts #VulnerabilityCycle #EmotionalSafety #CommunicationInRelationships #TimeOutStrategy #CoRegulation #FearOfAbandonment #PastTraumaInRelationships #FamilyOfOriginIssues #EmotionalIntimacy #AttachmentStyles #ConflictResolutionTechniques #GottmanResearch #SoftStartUpCommunication #CouplesConflictPatterns #ReducingRelationshipStress #HealingPastWounds
